Josh Bell

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 22:17:50 GMT

hi i'm josh bell.
i love jess wah.
i love anna hess.

foreverrrandevahhh adn evah

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 22:07:17 GMT

I did it, I finally did it.

I really screwed things up this time and I wish I could fix it. Have him trust me again, and not have to avoid him. Take back everything I have said.

I wish this didn't hurt so bad. Like Erin said to me today "It hurts more to miss something you have and lost, then to miss it when you never had it" And that is so true.

I know I complain to much and whatever, but there is so much more in this world that is worse. A girl in my grade lost her dad, and when I heard that it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my mom. I mean, now I was on the other end looking and feeling how everyone else did for me. And then that made me think of Bhasker, who passed away last May. I mean, how could someone our age have something like that afflict us?

I mean, what is it with the evil in this world? The feeling of never being able to catch a break. I mean I am so fortunate in the fact that I lost someone I liked, while this girl lost her dad, and Bhasker lost his life. How is that fair? That he is never going to know life, and she will never have her dad there?

I am so sick and tired of it all, I want sometimes to not have to do all the shit that compiles. We all try to some extend, to find happiness. I mean, I don't think that anyone is trying to have a depressing life, but why can't some achieve this?

I have so many questions, and not enough awnsers. And it kills me. Just like everything that is evil. That is why I don't think I neccesarliy believe in God or his powers. If he is so righteous and fair, then why the hell would he take a 15 year old, or a childs mother? That is not righteous or fair.

After what I found out today, I just feel that I am scared for the future. I don't want junior year, I don't want life. I want last year back. I want what I have lost, and it is gone forever.

It scares me to think of the harsh reality that I might become an orphan. That word is so scary, and real. And that is what scares me, the realism there is in the world. That people die, friendships break, and that there is nothing that is going to be perfect.

But is that what life is about? Trying to accept the imperfect and cope with it, and still strive to live. I mean, to love someone is not impossible, it will take sometime to adjust, sometime to fight, and sometime to heal. And then there is death, but do we not move on to something greater? That there is a place of no pain, or is there reincarnation? That your soul comes to someone else? What is it about these three peoples deaths that affect me so much. My mother, the strongest figure I knew, a kid who I talked to in a couple of classes, and then a man who never met? I think it the poor though of these circumstances and that is what is real.

Realism people, realism.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 00:04:59 GMT

Eek, all I am is a disgusting mess. I am not going to do this anymore. Love is for saps and I will not be hurt like this again. I said it the first time, I know, but this time I am done.

Bleck.

I'm sorry, I can't be perfect

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 23:49:50 GMT

Haha.

So once I have made an impact on someone elses life. Today of all days has been super lame. I talked online all day really, read a lot, went babysitting, and then Karen came here a little while ago to visit me.

I feel like this day has been one of tears. Somehow in this life I feel like people don't like me for reasons unknown. Or they just don't have the guts to spill. I wanted to give up earlier today, on life, friendships and everything else I do, and then I read a very dear friend's journal, and she gave me some hope, and bounced back some well needed advice. I felt so awkward last night at the party, because no one really liked me there. One person in perticular.

Last year was one about me being invested in me, and my friends. I had so much heart break and disappointment with friends and a horrible love life, so I invested in other things for a while. After Music Man, my situation had not improved and so I gave up on things, school, friends and I just started to loose it. Even through the roughest times earlier in this year, I still pushed myself in school to be better than my sister Kati.

I think Kati has been the reason I push myself. She is the one that puts me down the most, and so I try to make my situation better to prove her wrong, while a lot of times I actually made things worse. I wanted to do it all.

So forget it ladies and gents, all the petty shit that has happened will not get me down. I mean today, I even wrote up a huge list of reasons "My boyfriend should break up with me" after this three page list of ludicris and stupid things written, I realized that this is what Kati wants, is for me to give up. So she can be the superior bitch.

So I did what any insane person would have done. I went upstairs into the bathroom, stood over the sink, and with this crazed look in my eyes, lit/watched that god damn list burn. I am better than her. She will not win.

So this is my promise for the year, I am not going to be so selfish, I am going to be a little bit more like one of my hetero best friends and be so caring and thoughful. So Ms. Bartlett and I have changed, and lets keep us going with it.

That is all
Josh

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 14:56:13 GMT

Haha,

So the life of Josh Bell has been very boring. But since Matt wrote about me, I will write about him. We talked on the phone from like 1145 to 115 in the morning last night. And so, I think he is really cool, and funny and so on and so forth.

Anyways, I am waiting for Courtney to get here and then we are going to chill and catch up. Oh, GSA was really fun last night. I was surprised that we got all that accomplished, and I am so happy that Courtney came with. She is like really pumped to do GSA and I think it is going to be so fun.

So I just folded my laundry and cleaned my room because I am so OCDish, and now I feel like I need to make my room smell good, so I am off to go and get the cleaner stuff.

Hmm, and mondo fun the other night with Sara and our timeless chats walking to Dunks in the East, and fun last night with Jean, Keith and Court going to Starbucks.

Oh and my neice, she went home on Saturday and is very good. I am so happy that she is like mine. Well my brothers, and I am only and uncle, but now I have a reason to go shopping. HAH.

Mondo Love.
Josh

P.S- All the cool kids are doing it. All the cool kids are dead.

And I am still laughing.

Emilie Elizabeth Bell

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 03:43:56 GMT

My niece was born on August 17, 2005.

She is seven punds, two ounces.

Beautiful with ten fingers and ten toes.

And only after Adrienne was in labor in Monday morning at 4.

God Bless her & Thank God.

LOVE EVERYONE.
Josh

He made me feel real for the first time...in a long time.

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 06:02:59 GMT

I was asked the other day by my aunt, "What was the deffining point in your life?" I naturally stated that it was my mothers death because it toppeled that high tower of a life I built up, but then after my re-examination today, I relized that it was not one moment, but an entire year.

So far in my entire life it was my freshman year of high school. High School was one of the hardest things for me to adjust too, because although the end of my 7th grade year was rough with the passing of my mother I never dealt with anything from it until this year. When I realized it was not going to be fixed until I fixed it.

What was it about this year that made me deal with it however? And it finally hit me that it was all the petty crap that I had to watch occur this year. I am sorry to much friends, but all we all are is drama, drama drama, and all that jazz.

I have had my share as well, well to be honest, have stolen the stage a lot. It all started on my birthday last year. I was 15, and beggining to be "the man your mother dreamed of." My father told me that one night when we were talking. Anyways, that day made me be so selfish. I met a great boy, and he was so cute and real. He made me feel real for the first time in a long time.

After a few weeks of liking him, Christmas came around. He was involved other wise. And I never tried to push it, but a part of me, however, couldn't help but do it to me. I never felt this way about anyone, everyone else I had ever liked was straight and he wasn't. I feel so quick, and hard.

I hit rock bottom this year during the winter, when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It altered me that very night, and I wasn't okay for the longest time. I don't think I ever will be. I even stopped taking my perscribed insulin because I was scared of what I would do with the needles. I became pathetic.

For some reason however, I blamed my love life for it. How stupid could I have been do to that? They never made me do it, but for some reason, I never wanted to believe I was bandit, only the victim. It was all me lady's and gents, and I am unmasking myself.

I will admit that I was so stupid in everything, and I tryed to find other means of help, but instead alienated friends I had, and people who cared. I began down one of the worst paths ever.

To deal with pain I knew to shut down faster than anything else, but this year because of how much he made me feel alive, I finally became capable of having pain. It hurt worse than anything else in the world when I realized I could never have him. I will never be the same.

So what is the point of this whole thing? I can't really tell you. But I will give it a stab. My one important quality I am fond of is honesty, and I am trying to be as honest as possible.

Would I say I regret anything that happened this entire year? Maybe, but what is the point? I can't fix them now. "The past is the past, so let it stay as that." One thing that was quirky about this year is that I have so many new people that I know. I am thankful for this year because of how it gave me Sara, Britt, the Spicies, Rob, The Sophmores, Courtney, Erin, all my birdies, and so many more and hell, even that cutie in the green shirt the other night. The best however is that this year shaped who I am, and instead of being a boring kid who was ashamed. I began to feel, the highs, and the lows.

It taught me how to stand up for myself, shout to the world that I am gay and proud, and to let go sometimes, and that you need to be crazy. Thanks to you all for letting me be me, helping me know my limits and thank god for who I am.

I will make one more promise this year. I will do better, I don't know what that intails, maybe a home design fieasco, or that green shirt boy. But I will do better. I will learn from my mistakes and try to move forward, and not live in the past.

I think I am a lot better now that I have had my say.

How sweet it is to be loved by you.....

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 02:33:22 GMT

So I met him last night. Someone so cute, so dreamy, and I want him so bad. I admit, I don't know him but he seems so fun. We kept looking at each other all last night, like I would look, and he would look away, and then vice versa. He lives like a while away, which sucks. Ah. I wish I had that courage, to go up to you, say hi, and begin to chat, you seem so sweet. But then again? Was dinner fate? How I was dreaming about you all last night and today, and then you walked into the restaraunt when I was there. I wish I could have gone again to see him tonite. He was super good last.

Was it fate? I hope it is, I hope I see you soon. I think I need too.

That is all,
Josh

P.S- Pippin was AWESOME. I think you guys rock.=)

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 22:39:31 GMT

I hate how I am never good enough for her. She never will be able to not hate me, she always has and always will. I am nothing to her. Never have, and never will.

Forget it, I am through with it.

How about this weather?

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 19:13:52 GMT

Um I need to stop updating when I am upset. I regret the last journal, not the one before though. But as one anymous comment pointed out, "I am doing it for attention" Well that is why I think I am going to give up my lj. Because it is not a place where people care for me, it is a place of judgement on me and others from me. So I am done with this, I might still update but of the stupid meaningless things of my life. Not the big, because I am a whiner.

Fuck off, kthxbi.

Um and anymous comments stop putting them up unless you sign your name to it.

Forever and Always.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 01:18:32 GMT

AH,

I knew it, I knew it would never work. "why would I want to go out with him" Yeah I knew it. I am never worth it. I really should just lock myself in my room and not come out until I am old and everyone has forgotten me. He doesn't even want me, the person who is suppose to be a perfect match. It is now official, I am an idiot. I suck, I'm fat and lazy, my personality is fucked up, so are my teeth. I really should just go and kill myself, it would be better for everyone. No one cares, I am doomed to be alone forever and always.

Gay

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 03:29:27 GMT

Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay, again and again I hear it form those discusting mouths. I am sick of it.

I just watched another episode of Queer As Folk, it is about a group of gay friends living in Pittsburg, well in one of the last episode one of the characters was hurt when a bomb exploaded in a night club. It makes me feel like bombs fall everywhere around me.

I am so sick of Kati and Jess. They don't love me, because if they did then they would understand that I do get hurt when they use gay dirroguatorily.(sp?) I hate it.

How could someone do that? They hurt someone else just because they are diffrent. It has come to the point now where I don't go anywhere alone because I am so scared. I mean, I think that someone might come after me, hurt me. Oh no Josh, your sisters would be there in a heart beat. Yeah? Well aparently you don't know my sisters. They only care about themselves, and people say I am a hypocrete because I act the same toward them. I always tried to be good with them, always I have been shut down. I am so sick of it. I am not going to pretend anymore that I am happy.

No one is proud of me, no one. I feel so alone, I have no gay friends, I am in the only one in this huge sea and I feel like I am going to be the only one not rescued. I hate it.

One thing about Kati is her defence mechanism is to shut down before she knows how to do anything else. She told me today that I wouldn't go to heaven because "fags don't go to heaven, they burn in hell" I am sorry you fat fuck, but that is not funny at all. But I complain to much. SO whatever.

Jess has never cared, and never will. I hate how she always rubs things in my face, "oh Josh Derek has a Mustang, he is taking me out to dinner, he bought me this and that, he loves me". Yeah I know, no one loves me in that way and never will. I have accepted the fact that I have no one or ever will.

Dad thinks that I am kidding. DOes this have anything to the fact that you think you are gay Josh? I "think"? I thought I just did the dishes, and everything else, but that is because I don't work. Well hey, Kati and Jess both did not have jobs until the end of Sophmore year, and so I don't have the right to have a break. I have done so much after mom died, I picked up the slack. But I am merely a fag, and my job is to be gay and not worthy. Thanks guys thanks.

I can't wait until the day my doctor tells me I have cancer, so then I can just die. And then those sorry asses can just bury me and never have to deal with my "gay ways" again.

After all, I am only a fag.

Just another blank i.m. box.

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 03:40:31 GMT

I always seem to stare at those blank i.m. boxes. Why do I even pull them up? DO I really think that I am ever going to say "hey" or ever have the guts to spill my entire heart to you. I am through with it. I think this is the end of this stupid thing. I want more, there is someone new that would be perfect. Oh god let them work out. With her help.

Let me go, but then again, you never had me, right?

Forget it. I am fine.=)

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 09:51:33 GMT

I have been up all night, and all I can say is I feel so beautiful. How the sky looks at 523 in the morning is amazing. I mean, this is like my dream: waking up at this time in the morning, in the arms of the most amazing guy. I really have an urge to get a Harry Potter 6, sit out in my back yard and read at this time. It reminds me of when I was younger. Only downside to 523 in the morning, NOTHING is on television. I got a lot of writing accomplished though. I feel like I have done a lot in explaining myself, but I have not mentioned everyone I know. And that is my goal.

LALALALALA

OH yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CECILLE AND NICOLE!!!!!

Um yeah, and cheers to making pancakes at this time in the morning, that is what I am going to do!!!! YAY! I love this time in the morning, and I love pancakes. This is like strating such a good day. It might just be the caffeine in the BOAT LOADS of coffee I have had, but whatever.

I LOVE EVERYONE.

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 04:01:50 GMT

Got thrown out of rehersal, and then went to meet up with Erika at the park at 930. Then the cops threatened to arrest me. Then went to Rob's with Erika.

SO MUCH FUN WITH ERIKA AND ROB. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!

That's all.
Josh

P.S- I began to write down everything I know. I don't know, almost like a book.

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 01:38:11 GMT

What about my personality flaws.

I have so many flaws tht sometimes I feel like I have huge holes everywhere in my body, and the biggest is where my heart should be. I let myself get hurt this time, I kept persueing it. Until that night, when my heart was ripped out, and you stomped on it and smooshed it to peices.

I hate how one of my flaws is that I am so tense, and I can never go out and party with everyone, get smashed go home. No, I have to care to much about what "everyone else would say" and instead I sit home and the go to Dunkins the next morning and here all their wild stories and wish that I had the guts to go and rebel for once. I hold myself back over her memory, and I really wish that someone, anyone, would understand how much that stupid night fucked me up forever. I hate feeling alone.

I am going to use today as an example. While all of the "girlies" went to the mall, I sat home and instead of think, oh I should do this or clean that, I sat there and was jealous for no absolute reason. I don't know why I am so paranoid, there is no need to. They all just went, there was nothing wrong with that, (Girls, I am not mad or ANYTHING) I just don't know what the hell is the matter with me.

Sometimes I go to bed and I just want to sleep for days, but I still get up in the morning, and I am so tired and don't want to do anything, and I complain, just like now. Some people say I might have depression, I just want to know, I am sick of the mystery.

I want to be healed, to be better, to not feel like I am so alone. Nobody hates me, but I feel like no one gives a damn, and I want to be fixed for good. For once I want to be with "someone else" and be able to say "I love you" have them say it back, and mean it. I feel like I should say "is this too much to ask?" But then I think, yes it is because look what you take for granted everyday.

My dad, I feel sometimes like he doesn't love me. That he is ashamed of me.

Jess, how she would rather be with Derek

Kati, how she would rather run away from Arlington then to talk to me

Matt and Adrienne, How I feel like they pity us because our mom passed away.

Most of all, I hate how I can never live in the moment, because I am scared that everytime something happens, I wait for the bottom to drop out.

I am sick of being me, hating me, and loving you.

Josh

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 19:09:05 GMT

I love Courtney Lynne Jones.

The END.

P.S.... Oh yeah, I am back in action BITCHES.

What am I to do?

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 15:32:24 GMT

Hello all,

What am I to say about the OH SO IMPORTANT life of Josh Bell? Nothing is going on really, I have been doing about ninety odd jobs around my neighborhood, and I am just so worn out. I have made about nearly $200, but I have had to give it to my dad for my Georgia Trip, and have to buy all this random crap. Huh, I really need a steady job, and a bank account so I don't spend any money on things. *Sigh*, I am pathetic.

Not to mauch else has happened, just have been preparing for my trip to NH this weekend. I leave on Saturday for a week, and I am bringing Sara, Matt and Caitlin. It is funny that there is 11 kids one adult, and a dog (yeah, my dog is that cool) going into a house that sleeps nine. This should be fun.

I think I ruined a friendship, I am an idiot.

So long, so tired, farewell.

Stop whining, you are too good at it.

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 02:32:43 GMT

Hmmm fuck off?

I don't think this is the best way to start an entry, but hey it is how I feel.

So many things have been pissing me off, the first is my dad.

Tomorrow he is going in for a "routine" angeoplasti surgery on his heart. And although everyone tells me that this is "routine" it still scares me to death. I woke up last night having a nightmare that Ms. Kaditz walked into my English final tomorrow and told me my dad died. I woke up in tears and began to hysterically cry while holding a picture of me and him. So many people tell me all will be good, but Bladder Cancer, the 2nd least deadliest cancer, only killing 2%, killed me mom three years ago this March.

I have been thinking about her all week, ever since Relay for Life. I can;t believe it still, she is actually gone, and I never got to say to her all those things that I want so desperatly to tell her. How much I loved her, how much I enjoyed her laugh, how much I miss her presence her on Earth. Notice how I used all past tense there "enjoyed, loved" this tells me that part of me has let go, but another part of me has not. I miss her so much, and I always will.

I am so scared to become and orphan, I can't handle that thought.

In other news, my love life is a mess again. Oh and by the way, I made the quote in my profile.

"He turned to him and said, he was just sex, you are making love"
God I am such a hopeless romantic.

Fuck this.
Josh

That Big Brick Building, how I hate it so.

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 16:13:36 GMT

Haha, school lets out in five days. That makes my life.

Well yesterday was really cool. I liked how I won three awards, it makes me feel accomplished, and proves that I did work hard in areas. Fuck math though, I failed for the term. One thing however, is Ms. Martin might be a beast in class, but she is one hell of a lady outside of class.

Well last night was one of the best things of my life. Relay for life was a blast. It was like one big sleep over where everyone was having a blast, and with all the time thorugh the nights, got to know so many people so much better. The best was though, how we all had fun, and it helped raise funds to find a cure. Something that is so close to me in my heart.

One of the highlights of the night was Lucy, Katie, Steve and me. I walked around the track with Steve and got to catch up. I haven't talk to him in like forever, and he is the shit. Lucy, Katie and I, are just all so fucked up. Since trying to drink decaf coffee at three in the morning did not help, we just got so fucked up from the caffine in my coke, and sleep seprevation, which made for some intresting ideas, mostly involving the harming of squirrels. It was so much fun though.

Peter, Melissa, Nora and I hung out and it was fun. Peter and Nora however, kept having there tifts, but everything worked out. Yes, and I will admit my love for Peter, this kid John has it on tape. Haha, what a fucked up night.

One thing that kept getting to me was the bags. There were hundreds and maybe even thousands. It kills me to know that so many people have had to go through what my mom and my family went through. I could only imagine all of these four year olds having to walk down a funeral procession for there mother or father, and that kills me. I cryed so much while walking.

P.S- Livy is the shit. I love my Baldwin. What, like thirteen laps together?

In other news.....

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 01:56:18 GMT

Why do I always stare at that blank IM box? Why do I begin every god damn entry with a question? Eh, I just don't know anymore. I feel as though I continually do it again and again, and never learn a lesson from it. That is the one of the most ironic things about it, no matter how bad a situation is for you, you learn from it. I just want to realize something, learn from this god damn, 9 month saga of a love life. It never ends, and THIS ceases to amaze me.

The other day a dear friend asked me to explain how I have done "it", and that is how I have gone on with out my mom. I know I talk about her so much, but I think that people think I am about to bust out into tears if I mention her name. I try not to cry in front of others. I hate showing weakness, I am a control freak.

That certain person asked me to describe how it felt, to lose someone so close. I don't know how I can explain it better then this, she was my mother. People can't begin to imagine, and everyone says "you are so strong Josh" and truly I am not. I am a weak pathetic person, and all I want to do is cry to my mother, confess my sins, be absolved, and hear her say she loved me and was proud of me. I feel as though the number of people who are truly proud of me forever, is very select and few.

The only wasy I can describe my mothers loss is with this anology : Imagine being at the highest mountain, with the most beautiful valley, and river that follows through. Then all of a sudden, the boulder you balance on begins to break, and next thing you know, you are lying in this muddy river, all the trees are broken, there is no life to speak about, the river is a muddy mess, and the mountain top is completely gone. To top this all off, you have to stay in the dark with the two broken legs because of the fall, and the sun has gone forever. Take that feeling, then multiply it about 3216541231468748749854132498743187 billion, trillion, bagillion times, and that still comes short on the way I felt on that cold windy night my father informed me that I no longer had a mother.

I can't bear that memory. "Try to think about the good things Josh" but one thing I have realized is, that sometimes the good times make you cry out in more pain.

I feel as though when I go "numb" and that everyone goes "No Josh, we love you" it is because they look at me as a boy who has lost his mother. I hate how I feel a false sense of warmth all around me.

I hate how this never ceases to amaze me.

Leave it
-Josh

That old familar burn; it never ceases to amaze me.

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 19:20:47 GMT

Yeah back to that old stage. Numb, it might be because of the pain of this horrible sun burn or just because of me. I can't stand what I do to myself. I know this is a heart ache, and I am so sick of it. Wake up Josh, they don't like you. Gahd, why am I such an idiot?

I feel like I don't have that many people I can trust. I am not going to name names, because last time some people flipped out because guess what, I didn't trust them. Then they got mad, and I am just not in the mood to fight.

So much anger toward myself. I am so blah, lazy, lonely. Even when I was at the beach surronded my people, I felt this way. What is the matter with me?

I am having that "old familair feeling" that if I stay where I am at, in this house, town, body, then I will be all fucked up. It has been 2 1/2 years, but it is back and I hate it.

Well cheers to Sara and secret spots, and to going to the beach. It was a lot of fun guys.

That is all I think you all will care to hear about.
-Josh

More and More Hatred.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 23:52:21 GMT

What do I hate?

About myself, a lot. About surrounding things, a lot. I hate how I get down on myself, like all I see when I look in that mirror is a pile of shit because I am alone, and feel as though no one cares. As a not from Danica once said, "Look down at what your mother gave you every once in a while and realize that it is not all chicken shit." I love her for that and so much more. She made me realize that all I see is the flaws in myself, and flaws don't mean you are bad, but they mean you are just human. That is all I am, human, so why am I so unhappy?

I hate how no one in my house cares when I do something, "oh you finally cleaned the house?" Fuck you. So what, I don't work. I try my ass off in school and try so as I can make something of myself and be something better than how I feel now. Everything that I have is superficial. Will it last? I have no idea.

What other things I hate you may ask? How Sara doesn't have a boyfriend even though that she deserves one. I hate how she feels that she is not pretty enough, but in actuallity she is one of the prettiest people I know. One guy would be lucky to have her, and they all suck. They fuck with her so much, and she in no way deserves that AT ALL.

Mandy, how cool she is. How everyone calls her a slut. She isn't, so what, relationships aren't her thing as they are for me and Sara, but who they hell do all this people think they are to have the right to call her a "slut" and says she has STD's. Fuck you seniors, you were all SO lucky to have a hook up from such a good person. She also sees flaws in herself as her aunt told me, but that doesn't make her a bad person, she is just human.

What can I say about Danica. How much of an idiot her boyfriend is. He thinks it is all okay to ditch her for weed, Fuck you Luke, realize what you have, shape up, go to class, quit weed, and finally earn some god damn time with one of my best friends. You don't deserve her.

Case, Case, Case. I don't even know where to begin. I love her so much. She is so funny, nice and of course sometimes bitchy and lazy, but those qaulities just mean we are so much a match that it is so cool. I love her to death, she deserves more in life. I don't know what, but these stupid boys treat her like crap. Who the hell did he think he was to call her fat? Fuck you, you have no fucking right. Fix yourself asshole before you try and tell others how "they are suppose to be/look." She is NOT in anyway fat. She is a good person through and through, and in someways she is treated like crap.

I hate how I feel fat, I don't value the friends I have, I hate how I don't get to hang out with so many people. How much of a hypocrete I am, I hate how nothing with my family is ever right, always drama. I hate how I am torn between liking three people, want to like this one, but most of all I hate how I am still in love with, that same idiot.

FUCK THIS.
Josh

It is that same old familiar song, just sugar coated.

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 00:57:27 GMT

Hmmm this is so stupid.

"It's you and me and a lot other people, and I don't know why but I can't keep my eyes off of you" Even my songs says it, why do i do this again. I know what I get into everytime, and like Danica said to me, is I am not even friends with you, so why should this hurt. God I hate it.

When I told Brittany something the other day, she nearly died. I am not going to say what because that is not the point, it was her reaction that was important. All these people care about me, and I feel like I am so alone and I can't stand that. Everyone cares about you Josh, we would all die if you did, and sometimes I feel like that is such bull shit because people say this and then ditch me to do something better. Ug, I hate myself.

For the longest time I blamed myself for everything, "Oh Josh, they don't want you because you are too fat" or stupid or you know just fill in the god damn blank. I feel like that a lot these days, and everyone just tells me it is a part of growing up, and I want this stage to be over. I want something new, and I want a big change. I hate my everyday life so much, and it won't change.

I hate how everytime someone asks me if I am okay, I just say I am tired, because I am to chicken shit to say what is really on my mind, and that no one will care enough to listen to my never ceasing bitching. Whatever, I will have to heal wiht this one too. Therapy will be good, I hope I scare the crap out of them the first appoinment. What, I need to have a little fun.

Well I am off to shower and then do homework, play with the dog and then watch QAF.

Oh yeah I forgot to say, I got a golden lab puppy named Maverick, he is 6 weeks old and the biggest pain in my ass, but I love him to bits.

Comment is you feel like it.

Adios
-Josh

Those scary thoughts in my head......

Tue, 24 May 2005 22:06:28 GMT

What is wrong with me?!?!?

Like I am not depressed or anything, I am just so blah. I am fighting with someone, who I considered so dear, and I feel like such an idiot because they don't care. I just feel so stupid.

It is so funny that the weather matches my mood. I feel like going back on every moral I have. I want to get so drunk this weekend, so as maybe I could forget you for a moment. I am still in love with you after this whole time. I really wish Tom would call me back so as maybe something could grow form that, but I just think it was only made to be a hook up.

It feels so stupid to say I want to get so drunk as to forget you for a moment, but it was how I felt when I use to have that nasty old habit for a few weeks, but if I do that again, I am terrified of those repercussions. Also, if I get drunk/ pursue the the past, I will be the BIGGEST hypocrete.

Like Amy said to me one time, let things, specifically about relationships, come to you, and enjoy the in between. I feel so stupid for calling Tom. I don't regret that kiss in the rain. It truly was the one in the rain. So I firmly beleive that if he never calls me back, then it was only meant to be a hook up. That is okay I guess, because I am still hung up on this stupid idiot. Their not stupid, actually wicked smart, but I think that is only to make me feel more independant as that will never happen, and i will finally learn what I need to do, help myself.

Everyday I find myself valueing each moment a little more. Also, I do things I would never do. I drank, I asked someone to dance, and I enitiated the kissing. Like what is that?

On a better note great times with Danica, Mandy and Frankee in Porter Sq. at Anna's. It was really good. Another ting, I am beggining to like Mexican food.

I am just a world of change.

Please comment on suggestions for me to do this weekend, and plans with any of you!

Adios
-Josh