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Josh Bell
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Time:05:17 pm
hi i'm josh bell.
i love jess wah.
i love anna hess.



foreverrrandevahhh adn evah
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Current Music:My Chemical Romance- Ghost of You
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Time:06:07 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
I did it, I finally did it.

I really screwed things up this time and I wish I could fix it. Have him trust me again, and not have to avoid him. Take back everything I have said.

I wish this didn't hurt so bad. Like Erin said to me today "It hurts more to miss something you have and lost, then to miss it when you never had it" And that is so true.

I know I complain to much and whatever, but there is so much more in this world that is worse. A girl in my grade lost her dad, and when I heard that it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my mom. I mean, now I was on the other end looking and feeling how everyone else did for me. And then that made me think of Bhasker, who passed away last May. I mean, how could someone our age have something like that afflict us?

I mean, what is it with the evil in this world? The feeling of never being able to catch a break. I mean I am so fortunate in the fact that I lost someone I liked, while this girl lost her dad, and Bhasker lost his life. How is that fair? That he is never going to know life, and she will never have her dad there?

I am so sick and tired of it all, I want sometimes to not have to do all the shit that compiles. We all try to some extend, to find happiness. I mean, I don't think that anyone is trying to have a depressing life, but why can't some achieve this?

I have so many questions, and not enough awnsers. And it kills me. Just like everything that is evil. That is why I don't think I neccesarliy believe in God or his powers. If he is so righteous and fair, then why the hell would he take a 15 year old, or a childs mother? That is not righteous or fair.

After what I found out today, I just feel that I am scared for the future. I don't want junior year, I don't want life. I want last year back. I want what I have lost, and it is gone forever.

It scares me to think of the harsh reality that I might become an orphan. That word is so scary, and real. And that is what scares me, the realism there is in the world. That people die, friendships break, and that there is nothing that is going to be perfect.

But is that what life is about? Trying to accept the imperfect and cope with it, and still strive to live. I mean, to love someone is not impossible, it will take sometime to adjust, sometime to fight, and sometime to heal. And then there is death, but do we not move on to something greater? That there is a place of no pain, or is there reincarnation? That your soul comes to someone else? What is it about these three peoples deaths that affect me so much. My mother, the strongest figure I knew, a kid who I talked to in a couple of classes, and then a man who never met? I think it the poor though of these circumstances and that is what is real.

Realism people, realism.
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Current Music:Hawthorne Heights- Ohio is for Lovers
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Time:08:03 pm
Current Mood:crappycrappy
Eek, all I am is a disgusting mess. I am not going to do this anymore. Love is for saps and I will not be hurt like this again. I said it the first time, I know, but this time I am done.

Bleck.
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Current Music:Mariah Carey- Shake it off
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Subject:I'm sorry, I can't be perfect
Time:07:36 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
Haha.

So once I have made an impact on someone elses life. Today of all days has been super lame. I talked online all day really, read a lot, went babysitting, and then Karen came here a little while ago to visit me.

I feel like this day has been one of tears. Somehow in this life I feel like people don't like me for reasons unknown. Or they just don't have the guts to spill. I wanted to give up earlier today, on life, friendships and everything else I do, and then I read a very dear friend's journal, and she gave me some hope, and bounced back some well needed advice. I felt so awkward last night at the party, because no one really liked me there. One person in perticular.

Last year was one about me being invested in me, and my friends. I had so much heart break and disappointment with friends and a horrible love life, so I invested in other things for a while. After Music Man, my situation had not improved and so I gave up on things, school, friends and I just started to loose it. Even through the roughest times earlier in this year, I still pushed myself in school to be better than my sister Kati.

I think Kati has been the reason I push myself. She is the one that puts me down the most, and so I try to make my situation better to prove her wrong, while a lot of times I actually made things worse. I wanted to do it all.

So forget it ladies and gents, all the petty shit that has happened will not get me down. I mean today, I even wrote up a huge list of reasons "My boyfriend should break up with me" after this three page list of ludicris and stupid things written, I realized that this is what Kati wants, is for me to give up. So she can be the superior bitch.

So I did what any insane person would have done. I went upstairs into the bathroom, stood over the sink, and with this crazed look in my eyes, lit/watched that god damn list burn. I am better than her. She will not win.

So this is my promise for the year, I am not going to be so selfish, I am going to be a little bit more like one of my hetero best friends and be so caring and thoughful. So Ms. Bartlett and I have changed, and lets keep us going with it.

That is all
Josh
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Current Music:The Coors- Summer Sunshine
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Time:10:49 am
Current Mood:sillysilly
Haha,

So the life of Josh Bell has been very boring. But since Matt wrote about me, I will write about him. We talked on the phone from like 1145 to 115 in the morning last night. And so, I think he is really cool, and funny and so on and so forth.

Anyways, I am waiting for Courtney to get here and then we are going to chill and catch up. Oh, GSA was really fun last night. I was surprised that we got all that accomplished, and I am so happy that Courtney came with. She is like really pumped to do GSA and I think it is going to be so fun.

So I just folded my laundry and cleaned my room because I am so OCDish, and now I feel like I need to make my room smell good, so I am off to go and get the cleaner stuff.

Hmm, and mondo fun the other night with Sara and our timeless chats walking to Dunks in the East, and fun last night with Jean, Keith and Court going to Starbucks.

Oh and my neice, she went home on Saturday and is very good. I am so happy that she is like mine. Well my brothers, and I am only and uncle, but now I have a reason to go shopping. HAH.

Mondo Love.
Josh

P.S- All the cool kids are doing it. All the cool kids are dead.

And I am still laughing.
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Current Music:Kelly Clarkson- Since You've Been Gone.
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Subject:Emilie Elizabeth Bell
Time:11:41 pm
Current Mood:ecstaticecstatic
My niece was born on August 17, 2005.

She is seven punds, two ounces.

Beautiful with ten fingers and ten toes.

And only after Adrienne was in labor in Monday morning at 4.

God Bless her & Thank God.

LOVE EVERYONE.
Josh
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Current Music:Lifehouse- Somewhere Inbetween.
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Subject:He made me feel real for the first time...in a long time.
Time:01:32 am
Current Mood:Honest
I was asked the other day by my aunt, "What was the deffining point in your life?" I naturally stated that it was my mothers death because it toppeled that high tower of a life I built up, but then after my re-examination today, I relized that it was not one moment, but an entire year.

So far in my entire life it was my freshman year of high school. High School was one of the hardest things for me to adjust too, because although the end of my 7th grade year was rough with the passing of my mother I never dealt with anything from it until this year. When I realized it was not going to be fixed until I fixed it.

What was it about this year that made me deal with it however? And it finally hit me that it was all the petty crap that I had to watch occur this year. I am sorry to much friends, but all we all are is drama, drama drama, and all that jazz.

I have had my share as well, well to be honest, have stolen the stage a lot. It all started on my birthday last year. I was 15, and beggining to be "the man your mother dreamed of." My father told me that one night when we were talking. Anyways, that day made me be so selfish. I met a great boy, and he was so cute and real. He made me feel real for the first time in a long time.

After a few weeks of liking him, Christmas came around. He was involved other wise. And I never tried to push it, but a part of me, however, couldn't help but do it to me. I never felt this way about anyone, everyone else I had ever liked was straight and he wasn't. I feel so quick, and hard.

I hit rock bottom this year during the winter, when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It altered me that very night, and I wasn't okay for the longest time. I don't think I ever will be. I even stopped taking my perscribed insulin because I was scared of what I would do with the needles. I became pathetic.

For some reason however, I blamed my love life for it. How stupid could I have been do to that? They never made me do it, but for some reason, I never wanted to believe I was bandit, only the victim. It was all me lady's and gents, and I am unmasking myself.

I will admit that I was so stupid in everything, and I tryed to find other means of help, but instead alienated friends I had, and people who cared. I began down one of the worst paths ever.

To deal with pain I knew to shut down faster than anything else, but this year because of how much he made me feel alive, I finally became capable of having pain. It hurt worse than anything else in the world when I realized I could never have him. I will never be the same.

So what is the point of this whole thing? I can't really tell you. But I will give it a stab. My one important quality I am fond of is honesty, and I am trying to be as honest as possible.

Would I say I regret anything that happened this entire year? Maybe, but what is the point? I can't fix them now. "The past is the past, so let it stay as that." One thing that was quirky about this year is that I have so many new people that I know. I am thankful for this year because of how it gave me Sara, Britt, the Spicies, Rob, The Sophmores, Courtney, Erin, all my birdies, and so many more and hell, even that cutie in the green shirt the other night. The best however is that this year shaped who I am, and instead of being a boring kid who was ashamed. I began to feel, the highs, and the lows.

It taught me how to stand up for myself, shout to the world that I am gay and proud, and to let go sometimes, and that you need to be crazy. Thanks to you all for letting me be me, helping me know my limits and thank god for who I am.

I will make one more promise this year. I will do better, I don't know what that intails, maybe a home design fieasco, or that green shirt boy. But I will do better. I will learn from my mistakes and try to move forward, and not live in the past.

I think I am a lot better now that I have had my say.
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Current Music:Kelly Clarkson- Because of you
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Subject:How sweet it is to be loved by you.....
Time:10:28 pm
Current Mood:pleasedpleased
So I met him last night. Someone so cute, so dreamy, and I want him so bad. I admit, I don't know him but he seems so fun. We kept looking at each other all last night, like I would look, and he would look away, and then vice versa. He lives like a while away, which sucks. Ah. I wish I had that courage, to go up to you, say hi, and begin to chat, you seem so sweet. But then again? Was dinner fate? How I was dreaming about you all last night and today, and then you walked into the restaraunt when I was there. I wish I could have gone again to see him tonite. He was super good last.

Was it fate? I hope it is, I hope I see you soon. I think I need too.

That is all,
Josh

P.S- Pippin was AWESOME. I think you guys rock.=)
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Current Music:Future Leaders of the World: Let me Out.
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Time:06:38 pm
I hate how I am never good enough for her. She never will be able to not hate me, she always has and always will. I am nothing to her. Never have, and never will.

Forget it, I am through with it.
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Current Music:Lifehouse- Somewhere Inbetween.
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Subject:How about this weather?
Time:03:10 pm
Current Mood:fullfull
Um I need to stop updating when I am upset. I regret the last journal, not the one before though. But as one anymous comment pointed out, "I am doing it for attention" Well that is why I think I am going to give up my lj. Because it is not a place where people care for me, it is a place of judgement on me and others from me. So I am done with this, I might still update but of the stupid meaningless things of my life. Not the big, because I am a whiner.

Fuck off, kthxbi.

Um and anymous comments stop putting them up unless you sign your name to it.
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Josh Bell
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