| | Current Music: | My Chemical Romance- Ghost of You | | Time: | 06:07 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Confused.gif) confused |
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| I did it, I finally did it.
I really screwed things up this time and I wish I could fix it. Have him trust me again, and not have to avoid him. Take back everything I have said.
I wish this didn't hurt so bad. Like Erin said to me today "It hurts more to miss something you have and lost, then to miss it when you never had it" And that is so true.
I know I complain to much and whatever, but there is so much more in this world that is worse. A girl in my grade lost her dad, and when I heard that it reminded me of how I felt when I lost my mom. I mean, now I was on the other end looking and feeling how everyone else did for me. And then that made me think of Bhasker, who passed away last May. I mean, how could someone our age have something like that afflict us?
I mean, what is it with the evil in this world? The feeling of never being able to catch a break. I mean I am so fortunate in the fact that I lost someone I liked, while this girl lost her dad, and Bhasker lost his life. How is that fair? That he is never going to know life, and she will never have her dad there?
I am so sick and tired of it all, I want sometimes to not have to do all the shit that compiles. We all try to some extend, to find happiness. I mean, I don't think that anyone is trying to have a depressing life, but why can't some achieve this?
I have so many questions, and not enough awnsers. And it kills me. Just like everything that is evil. That is why I don't think I neccesarliy believe in God or his powers. If he is so righteous and fair, then why the hell would he take a 15 year old, or a childs mother? That is not righteous or fair.
After what I found out today, I just feel that I am scared for the future. I don't want junior year, I don't want life. I want last year back. I want what I have lost, and it is gone forever.
It scares me to think of the harsh reality that I might become an orphan. That word is so scary, and real. And that is what scares me, the realism there is in the world. That people die, friendships break, and that there is nothing that is going to be perfect.
But is that what life is about? Trying to accept the imperfect and cope with it, and still strive to live. I mean, to love someone is not impossible, it will take sometime to adjust, sometime to fight, and sometime to heal. And then there is death, but do we not move on to something greater? That there is a place of no pain, or is there reincarnation? That your soul comes to someone else? What is it about these three peoples deaths that affect me so much. My mother, the strongest figure I knew, a kid who I talked to in a couple of classes, and then a man who never met? I think it the poor though of these circumstances and that is what is real.
Realism people, realism. | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Hawthorne Heights- Ohio is for Lovers | | Time: | 08:03 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Sad.gif) crappy |
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| Eek, all I am is a disgusting mess. I am not going to do this anymore. Love is for saps and I will not be hurt like this again. I said it the first time, I know, but this time I am done.
Bleck. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| Haha.
So once I have made an impact on someone elses life. Today of all days has been super lame. I talked online all day really, read a lot, went babysitting, and then Karen came here a little while ago to visit me.
I feel like this day has been one of tears. Somehow in this life I feel like people don't like me for reasons unknown. Or they just don't have the guts to spill. I wanted to give up earlier today, on life, friendships and everything else I do, and then I read a very dear friend's journal, and she gave me some hope, and bounced back some well needed advice. I felt so awkward last night at the party, because no one really liked me there. One person in perticular.
Last year was one about me being invested in me, and my friends. I had so much heart break and disappointment with friends and a horrible love life, so I invested in other things for a while. After Music Man, my situation had not improved and so I gave up on things, school, friends and I just started to loose it. Even through the roughest times earlier in this year, I still pushed myself in school to be better than my sister Kati.
I think Kati has been the reason I push myself. She is the one that puts me down the most, and so I try to make my situation better to prove her wrong, while a lot of times I actually made things worse. I wanted to do it all.
So forget it ladies and gents, all the petty shit that has happened will not get me down. I mean today, I even wrote up a huge list of reasons "My boyfriend should break up with me" after this three page list of ludicris and stupid things written, I realized that this is what Kati wants, is for me to give up. So she can be the superior bitch.
So I did what any insane person would have done. I went upstairs into the bathroom, stood over the sink, and with this crazed look in my eyes, lit/watched that god damn list burn. I am better than her. She will not win.
So this is my promise for the year, I am not going to be so selfish, I am going to be a little bit more like one of my hetero best friends and be so caring and thoughful. So Ms. Bartlett and I have changed, and lets keep us going with it.
That is all
Josh | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Coors- Summer Sunshine | | Time: | 10:49 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Silly.gif) silly |
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| Haha,
So the life of Josh Bell has been very boring. But since Matt wrote about me, I will write about him. We talked on the phone from like 1145 to 115 in the morning last night. And so, I think he is really cool, and funny and so on and so forth.
Anyways, I am waiting for Courtney to get here and then we are going to chill and catch up. Oh, GSA was really fun last night. I was surprised that we got all that accomplished, and I am so happy that Courtney came with. She is like really pumped to do GSA and I think it is going to be so fun.
So I just folded my laundry and cleaned my room because I am so OCDish, and now I feel like I need to make my room smell good, so I am off to go and get the cleaner stuff.
Hmm, and mondo fun the other night with Sara and our timeless chats walking to Dunks in the East, and fun last night with Jean, Keith and Court going to Starbucks.
Oh and my neice, she went home on Saturday and is very good. I am so happy that she is like mine. Well my brothers, and I am only and uncle, but now I have a reason to go shopping. HAH.
Mondo Love.
Josh
P.S- All the cool kids are doing it. All the cool kids are dead.
And I am still laughing. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Kelly Clarkson- Since You've Been Gone. | | Subject: | Emilie Elizabeth Bell | | Time: | 11:41 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Happy.gif) ecstatic |
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| My niece was born on August 17, 2005.
She is seven punds, two ounces.
Beautiful with ten fingers and ten toes.
And only after Adrienne was in labor in Monday morning at 4.
God Bless her & Thank God.
LOVE EVERYONE.
Josh | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I was asked the other day by my aunt, "What was the deffining point in your life?" I naturally stated that it was my mothers death because it toppeled that high tower of a life I built up, but then after my re-examination today, I relized that it was not one moment, but an entire year.
So far in my entire life it was my freshman year of high school. High School was one of the hardest things for me to adjust too, because although the end of my 7th grade year was rough with the passing of my mother I never dealt with anything from it until this year. When I realized it was not going to be fixed until I fixed it.
What was it about this year that made me deal with it however? And it finally hit me that it was all the petty crap that I had to watch occur this year. I am sorry to much friends, but all we all are is drama, drama drama, and all that jazz.
I have had my share as well, well to be honest, have stolen the stage a lot. It all started on my birthday last year. I was 15, and beggining to be "the man your mother dreamed of." My father told me that one night when we were talking. Anyways, that day made me be so selfish. I met a great boy, and he was so cute and real. He made me feel real for the first time in a long time.
After a few weeks of liking him, Christmas came around. He was involved other wise. And I never tried to push it, but a part of me, however, couldn't help but do it to me. I never felt this way about anyone, everyone else I had ever liked was straight and he wasn't. I feel so quick, and hard.
I hit rock bottom this year during the winter, when I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It altered me that very night, and I wasn't okay for the longest time. I don't think I ever will be. I even stopped taking my perscribed insulin because I was scared of what I would do with the needles. I became pathetic.
For some reason however, I blamed my love life for it. How stupid could I have been do to that? They never made me do it, but for some reason, I never wanted to believe I was bandit, only the victim. It was all me lady's and gents, and I am unmasking myself.
I will admit that I was so stupid in everything, and I tryed to find other means of help, but instead alienated friends I had, and people who cared. I began down one of the worst paths ever.
To deal with pain I knew to shut down faster than anything else, but this year because of how much he made me feel alive, I finally became capable of having pain. It hurt worse than anything else in the world when I realized I could never have him. I will never be the same.
So what is the point of this whole thing? I can't really tell you. But I will give it a stab. My one important quality I am fond of is honesty, and I am trying to be as honest as possible.
Would I say I regret anything that happened this entire year? Maybe, but what is the point? I can't fix them now. "The past is the past, so let it stay as that." One thing that was quirky about this year is that I have so many new people that I know. I am thankful for this year because of how it gave me Sara, Britt, the Spicies, Rob, The Sophmores, Courtney, Erin, all my birdies, and so many more and hell, even that cutie in the green shirt the other night. The best however is that this year shaped who I am, and instead of being a boring kid who was ashamed. I began to feel, the highs, and the lows.
It taught me how to stand up for myself, shout to the world that I am gay and proud, and to let go sometimes, and that you need to be crazy. Thanks to you all for letting me be me, helping me know my limits and thank god for who I am.
I will make one more promise this year. I will do better, I don't know what that intails, maybe a home design fieasco, or that green shirt boy. But I will do better. I will learn from my mistakes and try to move forward, and not live in the past.
I think I am a lot better now that I have had my say. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| So I met him last night. Someone so cute, so dreamy, and I want him so bad. I admit, I don't know him but he seems so fun. We kept looking at each other all last night, like I would look, and he would look away, and then vice versa. He lives like a while away, which sucks. Ah. I wish I had that courage, to go up to you, say hi, and begin to chat, you seem so sweet. But then again? Was dinner fate? How I was dreaming about you all last night and today, and then you walked into the restaraunt when I was there. I wish I could have gone again to see him tonite. He was super good last.
Was it fate? I hope it is, I hope I see you soon. I think I need too.
That is all,
Josh
P.S- Pippin was AWESOME. I think you guys rock.=) | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Future Leaders of the World: Let me Out. | | Time: | 06:38 pm |
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| I hate how I am never good enough for her. She never will be able to not hate me, she always has and always will. I am nothing to her. Never have, and never will.
Forget it, I am through with it. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Um I need to stop updating when I am upset. I regret the last journal, not the one before though. But as one anymous comment pointed out, "I am doing it for attention" Well that is why I think I am going to give up my lj. Because it is not a place where people care for me, it is a place of judgement on me and others from me. So I am done with this, I might still update but of the stupid meaningless things of my life. Not the big, because I am a whiner.
Fuck off, kthxbi.
Um and anymous comments stop putting them up unless you sign your name to it. | | comments: 18 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Dave Matthew's band: American Baby | | Subject: | Forever and Always. | | Time: | 09:16 pm | | Current Mood: | disappointed |
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| AH,
I knew it, I knew it would never work. "why would I want to go out with him" Yeah I knew it. I am never worth it. I really should just lock myself in my room and not come out until I am old and everyone has forgotten me. He doesn't even want me, the person who is suppose to be a perfect match. It is now official, I am an idiot. I suck, I'm fat and lazy, my personality is fucked up, so are my teeth. I really should just go and kill myself, it would be better for everyone. No one cares, I am doomed to be alone forever and always. | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Kelly Clarkson- Behind These Hazel Eyes | | Subject: | Gay | | Time: | 11:16 pm | | Current Mood: | crappy |
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| Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay, again and again I hear it form those discusting mouths. I am sick of it.
I just watched another episode of Queer As Folk, it is about a group of gay friends living in Pittsburg, well in one of the last episode one of the characters was hurt when a bomb exploaded in a night club. It makes me feel like bombs fall everywhere around me.
I am so sick of Kati and Jess. They don't love me, because if they did then they would understand that I do get hurt when they use gay dirroguatorily.(sp?) I hate it.
How could someone do that? They hurt someone else just because they are diffrent. It has come to the point now where I don't go anywhere alone because I am so scared. I mean, I think that someone might come after me, hurt me. Oh no Josh, your sisters would be there in a heart beat. Yeah? Well aparently you don't know my sisters. They only care about themselves, and people say I am a hypocrete because I act the same toward them. I always tried to be good with them, always I have been shut down. I am so sick of it. I am not going to pretend anymore that I am happy.
No one is proud of me, no one. I feel so alone, I have no gay friends, I am in the only one in this huge sea and I feel like I am going to be the only one not rescued. I hate it.
One thing about Kati is her defence mechanism is to shut down before she knows how to do anything else. She told me today that I wouldn't go to heaven because "fags don't go to heaven, they burn in hell" I am sorry you fat fuck, but that is not funny at all. But I complain to much. SO whatever.
Jess has never cared, and never will. I hate how she always rubs things in my face, "oh Josh Derek has a Mustang, he is taking me out to dinner, he bought me this and that, he loves me". Yeah I know, no one loves me in that way and never will. I have accepted the fact that I have no one or ever will.
Dad thinks that I am kidding. DOes this have anything to the fact that you think you are gay Josh? I "think"? I thought I just did the dishes, and everything else, but that is because I don't work. Well hey, Kati and Jess both did not have jobs until the end of Sophmore year, and so I don't have the right to have a break. I have done so much after mom died, I picked up the slack. But I am merely a fag, and my job is to be gay and not worthy. Thanks guys thanks.
I can't wait until the day my doctor tells me I have cancer, so then I can just die. And then those sorry asses can just bury me and never have to deal with my "gay ways" again.
After all, I am only a fag. | | comments: 21 comments or Leave a comment |
| I always seem to stare at those blank i.m. boxes. Why do I even pull them up? DO I really think that I am ever going to say "hey" or ever have the guts to spill my entire heart to you. I am through with it. I think this is the end of this stupid thing. I want more, there is someone new that would be perfect. Oh god let them work out. With her help.
Let me go, but then again, you never had me, right?
Forget it. I am fine.=) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Blink 182- Feeling this. | | Time: | 05:44 am | | Current Mood: | thankful |
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| I have been up all night, and all I can say is I feel so beautiful. How the sky looks at 523 in the morning is amazing. I mean, this is like my dream: waking up at this time in the morning, in the arms of the most amazing guy. I really have an urge to get a Harry Potter 6, sit out in my back yard and read at this time. It reminds me of when I was younger. Only downside to 523 in the morning, NOTHING is on television. I got a lot of writing accomplished though. I feel like I have done a lot in explaining myself, but I have not mentioned everyone I know. And that is my goal.
LALALALALA
OH yeah, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CECILLE AND NICOLE!!!!!
Um yeah, and cheers to making pancakes at this time in the morning, that is what I am going to do!!!! YAY! I love this time in the morning, and I love pancakes. This is like strating such a good day. It might just be the caffeine in the BOAT LOADS of coffee I have had, but whatever.
I LOVE EVERYONE. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Rob Brazile- Summer Night's. | | Time: | 12:00 am | | Current Mood: | chipper |
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| Got thrown out of rehersal, and then went to meet up with Erika at the park at 930. Then the cops threatened to arrest me. Then went to Rob's with Erika.
SO MUCH FUN WITH ERIKA AND ROB. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!
That's all.
Josh
P.S- I began to write down everything I know. I don't know, almost like a book. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Blink 182- What Went Wrong? | | Time: | 09:24 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Angry.gif) moody |
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| What about my personality flaws.
I have so many flaws tht sometimes I feel like I have huge holes everywhere in my body, and the biggest is where my heart should be. I let myself get hurt this time, I kept persueing it. Until that night, when my heart was ripped out, and you stomped on it and smooshed it to peices.
I hate how one of my flaws is that I am so tense, and I can never go out and party with everyone, get smashed go home. No, I have to care to much about what "everyone else would say" and instead I sit home and the go to Dunkins the next morning and here all their wild stories and wish that I had the guts to go and rebel for once. I hold myself back over her memory, and I really wish that someone, anyone, would understand how much that stupid night fucked me up forever. I hate feeling alone.
I am going to use today as an example. While all of the "girlies" went to the mall, I sat home and instead of think, oh I should do this or clean that, I sat there and was jealous for no absolute reason. I don't know why I am so paranoid, there is no need to. They all just went, there was nothing wrong with that, (Girls, I am not mad or ANYTHING) I just don't know what the hell is the matter with me.
Sometimes I go to bed and I just want to sleep for days, but I still get up in the morning, and I am so tired and don't want to do anything, and I complain, just like now. Some people say I might have depression, I just want to know, I am sick of the mystery.
I want to be healed, to be better, to not feel like I am so alone. Nobody hates me, but I feel like no one gives a damn, and I want to be fixed for good. For once I want to be with "someone else" and be able to say "I love you" have them say it back, and mean it. I feel like I should say "is this too much to ask?" But then I think, yes it is because look what you take for granted everyday.
My dad, I feel sometimes like he doesn't love me. That he is ashamed of me.
Jess, how she would rather be with Derek
Kati, how she would rather run away from Arlington then to talk to me
Matt and Adrienne, How I feel like they pity us because our mom passed away.
Most of all, I hate how I can never live in the moment, because I am scared that everytime something happens, I wait for the bottom to drop out.
I am sick of being me, hating me, and loving you.
Josh | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Fall Out Boy : Sugar we're going down. | | Time: | 03:07 pm | | Current Mood: | crazy |
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| I love Courtney Lynne Jones.
The END.
P.S.... Oh yeah, I am back in action BITCHES. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Something Corporate- Fall | | Subject: | What am I to do? | | Time: | 11:00 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Hot.gif) tired |
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| Hello all,
What am I to say about the OH SO IMPORTANT life of Josh Bell? Nothing is going on really, I have been doing about ninety odd jobs around my neighborhood, and I am just so worn out. I have made about nearly $200, but I have had to give it to my dad for my Georgia Trip, and have to buy all this random crap. Huh, I really need a steady job, and a bank account so I don't spend any money on things. *Sigh*, I am pathetic.
Not to mauch else has happened, just have been preparing for my trip to NH this weekend. I leave on Saturday for a week, and I am bringing Sara, Matt and Caitlin. It is funny that there is 11 kids one adult, and a dog (yeah, my dog is that cool) going into a house that sleeps nine. This should be fun.
I think I ruined a friendship, I am an idiot.
So long, so tired, farewell. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hmmm fuck off?
I don't think this is the best way to start an entry, but hey it is how I feel.
So many things have been pissing me off, the first is my dad.
Tomorrow he is going in for a "routine" angeoplasti surgery on his heart. And although everyone tells me that this is "routine" it still scares me to death. I woke up last night having a nightmare that Ms. Kaditz walked into my English final tomorrow and told me my dad died. I woke up in tears and began to hysterically cry while holding a picture of me and him. So many people tell me all will be good, but Bladder Cancer, the 2nd least deadliest cancer, only killing 2%, killed me mom three years ago this March.
I have been thinking about her all week, ever since Relay for Life. I can;t believe it still, she is actually gone, and I never got to say to her all those things that I want so desperatly to tell her. How much I loved her, how much I enjoyed her laugh, how much I miss her presence her on Earth. Notice how I used all past tense there "enjoyed, loved" this tells me that part of me has let go, but another part of me has not. I miss her so much, and I always will.
I am so scared to become and orphan, I can't handle that thought.
In other news, my love life is a mess again. Oh and by the way, I made the quote in my profile.
"He turned to him and said, he was just sex, you are making love"
God I am such a hopeless romantic.
Fuck this.
Josh | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Haha, school lets out in five days. That makes my life.
Well yesterday was really cool. I liked how I won three awards, it makes me feel accomplished, and proves that I did work hard in areas. Fuck math though, I failed for the term. One thing however, is Ms. Martin might be a beast in class, but she is one hell of a lady outside of class.
Well last night was one of the best things of my life. Relay for life was a blast. It was like one big sleep over where everyone was having a blast, and with all the time thorugh the nights, got to know so many people so much better. The best was though, how we all had fun, and it helped raise funds to find a cure. Something that is so close to me in my heart.
One of the highlights of the night was Lucy, Katie, Steve and me. I walked around the track with Steve and got to catch up. I haven't talk to him in like forever, and he is the shit. Lucy, Katie and I, are just all so fucked up. Since trying to drink decaf coffee at three in the morning did not help, we just got so fucked up from the caffine in my coke, and sleep seprevation, which made for some intresting ideas, mostly involving the harming of squirrels. It was so much fun though.
Peter, Melissa, Nora and I hung out and it was fun. Peter and Nora however, kept having there tifts, but everything worked out. Yes, and I will admit my love for Peter, this kid John has it on tape. Haha, what a fucked up night.
One thing that kept getting to me was the bags. There were hundreds and maybe even thousands. It kills me to know that so many people have had to go through what my mom and my family went through. I could only imagine all of these four year olds having to walk down a funeral procession for there mother or father, and that kills me. I cryed so much while walking.
P.S- Livy is the shit. I love my Baldwin. What, like thirteen laps together? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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